Boy oh boy was yesterday an eye opener. I decided to hook up with a local running club to do my weekly long run. I’ve been struggling with getting folks to run with, let alone people who run at the same pace as me. And with my husband’s aversion to me being out on the towpath alone, I thought I’d finally give it a try. I had always been (and am still am) very intimated by this group. The woman who leads it ran the Boston Marathon this year at something like a 7:30 pace! I had always envisioned meeting them in the parking lot and then not seeing them again as they sped away.
Well, that’s pretty much exactly what happened. When I arrived, I recognized the leader, and she was standing with one other person. I walked up and introduced myself. I then went to use the bathroom, and when I returned there were about 10 more people who had arrived. I was so overwhelmed. They were all talking and laughing, knowing one another well already. I didn’t know how I should go about introducing myself again, and kind of thought maybe the leader should have introduced me, but maybe that was expecting too much. I was clammed up, shy and felt about 2 inches tall. They were all talking about running 19-22 miles. Some had already been there and run a few. The group decided which direction they would go and we walked over to the trail. Then suddenly they took off, I didn’t have my music on or anything lol. I hurried and got myself together, but by that time they had pretty well left me in the dust. The leader and 3 other people led the way at a faster pace, while the rest in the “slower” group were probably around a 9 minute pace. There were 2 girls that hung back a bit from the slower group, but they were faster than me as well. I felt like a total stooge. Why had I even bothered? I’m not a newbie at this anymore, but I totally felt like the fat slob nerd trying to fit in or keep up with the cool athletic kids. It took me back to elementary school, junior high, high school, emotional eating and 120 pounds ago all at once. I wanted to cry.
My coach had me slated for 12 miles at long run pace, which for me is 10:35-10:45/mile. So I knew I still needed to get the work in and so I set about doing it. It was tough trying to keep my pace down at first, I was so flustered by the morning’s events. And then I came upon the “slow” group at the Boston store, apparently someone needed the restroom or something. One of the other leaders of the group cheered me as I ran by, telling me “good job!” Why didn’t this make me feel better? Why was I bitter about this? Why did it feel condescending to me??? She was totally being friendly and helpful and because my mental status was less then great I put values on it that were not there at all. Did I make other people feel this way when I was trying to be encouraging? I don’t remember feeling this way about encouraging words when I was first starting out…or even more recently when I ran into my high school English teacher at a race and he cheered me to the finish! What is wrong with me???
The group passed me of course once they started up again, and I tried to be positive and smile and wave as they passed and cheered me again. Then later the fast group passed me and cheered me and the slow group again when they had hit their turn around. So many nice words but I was not able to receive any of them, though I think I must have a damn good poker face lol.
Once I finally made my turn around at 6 miles I walked a few minutes to get some water and fuel and started up again. My lower back was starting to tighten up. Those last 6 miles were not fun at all. I stopped several times and did a rag doll pose trying to get my back to loosen up a bit and also because it was seemingly getting more humid and I felt like I was having trouble breathing. In reality, though it was very humid, it was probably also the emotion of the morning effecting my vocal chords, which I’ve recently learned tend to tighten up and spasm, making it feel like I’m having an asthma attack. I made it to the end, finally, not happy at all with the number of times I stopped to walk for a few seconds, but at least satisfied that when I was running I was keeping my set pace pretty well and that I finished the 12 miles.
Back at the parking lot there were a few people who had finished up, but the main group was still not back yet. I was very happy about this, as I just wanted to get in my car and leave, I knew they were all going out to eat after, and I didn’t want to get caught up in that awkwardness. I used the bathroom again, and came back to my car to find an encouraging note from a friend who had been out there running as well but our paths hadn’t crossed. I almost cried upon finding it, it was just what I needed in that moment.
This run really did a number on my confidence and self-esteem. Perhaps I have been getting too big for my britches, I don’t know, but I definitely felt like I had been knocked down a few pegs. What I do know is that this was probably not the week for me to have ventured out to do this. I’m planning to run the Goodyear Half Marathon in 2 weeks, and I finished this run wondering how in the world I ever thought I was going to finish that race! Completely irrational, I know, as this will be my 7th half marathon, but that’s what was going through my head.
In trying to stay positive and take away some lessons from this run, I have come to the following:
- This was my first run of this length that I have not come away with multiple blood blisters – score one for body glide and 2 pair of socks yeah!
- Though the run was very tough both physically and mentally, the mileage is getting less and less daunting each time I do it. Mentally focusing on the mile I am in has definitely helped me to not be overwhelmed and dread the miles ahead.
- I still have many self-esteem issues that need to be worked out. I’ve never been great in social situations like this, and it was a pretty difficult one since I didn’t know anyone else in the group, but my own self-worth and self-esteem had a huge impact on how I interacted with the group and how I interpreted their encouragement. How many dozens of times must this have happened over the course of my life? I’m glad to have the wisdom and insight to be able to reflect and see it now.
- I need to practice being more aware of my “bitchy resting face” when with people who don’t know me, as I’m quite sure it portrays an attitude that really isn’t there.
- I’m rethinking the way I interact with others who are just starting to run or get healthy; I never want to make anyone else feel the way I felt today. Though again, I really think the issue was largely my own and no one else’s.
- I’m not sure if I’ll ever meet up with this group again. Perhaps if they are running near my home and I know I’ll have no one else to run with, I may try again. I stepped way outside my comfort zone, which is always a good thing.